Game - Tell me a joke

TinyArtist

A ventriloquist walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.
He decides to have a bit of fun, so he says to the villager "can I talk to your dog?"

Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, its just a dog stupid "
Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"
Dog: "Doin' all right thanks."
Villager: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Dog: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?" Dog: "Quite good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Villager: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool"
Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Villager: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your goat?"
Villager: (in a panic) "The goat's a fudgeing liar!"

TinyArtist

In Jamaica you can get a steak & kidney pie for $1.75, a chicken and mushroom pie for $1.60 and an apple pie for $1.25.



In St Kitts and Nevis a steak & kidney pie will cost you $2.00, a chicken pie (without mushrooms) is $1.70.



A steak & kidney pie in Trinadad and Tobago is $2.50, but you can get two for $3.50. They also do a meat and potato pie for $2.

Those are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean.

TinyArtist

A young woman brings home her fiancée to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancée to his study for a drink.

"So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.
"I am a Torah scholar," he replies.
"A Torah scholar. Hmm." the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in as she's accustomed to?"
"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring such as she deserves?" asks the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."
"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancée.
The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.
Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, honey?"
The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."

TinyArtist

Paddy and Mick worked together in St. John's and
both were laid off, so they went to the unemployment
office.

When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, "Panty
Stitcher. I sew the elastic onto ladies cotton panties and
thongs."

The clerk looked up panty stitcher on his computer
and finding it classified as unskilled labor, he gave him $80 a week unemployment pay.

Mick was next and when asked his occupation replied,
"Diesel fitter."

Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick
$160 a week.

When Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back
into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.

The clerk explained, "Panty Stitchers are unskilled and
Diesel Fitters are skilled labor."

"What skill?" yelled Paddy. "I sew the elastic on
the panties and the thongs. Mick puts them over his head and says: "Yep, diesel fitter!"

TinyArtist

Betty was lying in bed one night. Art was falling asleep but Betty was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting.."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me...."
Mildly irritated, he reached across gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck...."

Angrily, Art threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

"Where are you going?" Betty asked..

"To get my teeth!"

TinyArtist

Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day.
They both met with an Angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.
The angel said "Unfortunately, there's only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted."
The Angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly took off her top and said, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity."
The Angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.
The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushes it without saying a word.
The Angel immediately said, "OK, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven."
Dolly was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?
"Sorry, Dolly," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are."

TinyArtist

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What grounds do you have for divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"But" he said, "what are the foundations?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town."

"Do you have a grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport, so have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"

TinyArtist

A man was making his way home from the pub with several pints inside him. As he walks past the end of a dark alley he hears a woman's voice: "Hey, big boy, d'you fancy a good time?"

He's had enough to drink that his inhibitions are low, so he thinks "What the hell?" and goes into the alley. He's been enjoying himself for a few minutes when suddenly a policeman shines his torch into the alley and calls out, "Hey, what's going on there?"

The man thinks quickly and calls back, "It's all right, officer - I'm just having an amorous moment with my wife!"

The policeman says, "Oh, I'm terribly sorry, sir - I didn't realise that the lady was your wife!"

"Don't worry about it," replies the man. "Until you shone your torch this way, neither did I!"

TinyArtist

A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner one day to grab some lunch. He ordered a cheeseburger, a coffee and a slice of apple pie.

Just as he was about to eat them, three big hairy bikers walked in.

The first biker grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a big bite from it.

The second biker picked up the trucker's coffee and downed it in one gulp.

The third biker ate the trucker's apple pie.

The truck driver didn't do anything or say a word as all this went on.

When they finished, he just paid the waitress and left.

The first biker said to the waitress, "He ain't much of a man, is he?"

"He's not much of a driver, either," the waitress replied. "He's just backed his 18-wheeler over three motorbikes."

TinyArtist

Dave wanted a job as a signalman on the railways and was really excited when told to meet the Inspector at the signal box for an interview.

The Inspector asks, "What would you do if you realised that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?"

Dave says, "I would switch the points for one of the trains".

"What if the lever broke?" asked the Inspector.

"Then I'd dash down out of the signal box", said Dave, "and I'd use the manual lever over there".

"What if that had been struck by lightning?"

"Then", Dave continues, "I'd run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box".

"What if the phone was engaged?"

"Well in that case", persevered Dave, "I'd run down and use the public phone at the level crossing up there".

"What if that was vandalised?"

"Oh well then I'd run into the village and get Trev".

This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, "Why would you do that?"

"Because", says Dave, "he's always wanted to see a train crash".