Game - Tell me a joke

TinyArtist

Title says it all, tell me a joke. It can be a kids joke, knock knock joke, adult joke, but no mature audience jokes please.
Can't think of one? Google it

TinyArtist

Jimmy and Jack were twins, but they weren't identical - far from it. They looked like the before and after photos in those old body-building adverts. Jimmy was a skinny thing, while Jack was well-built and muscular. As a result, Jack seemed to attract women without making an effort - everywhere he went they would cluster round him, while poor Jimmy struggled and even when women approached him - usually because he was standing next to Jack - he found it difficult to talk to them.

However the two were the best of friends and Jack always did his best to help Jimmy out, though it was rarely successful. One day the two planned to go to the beach. Jack knew that as soon as he stepped onto the sands, wearing his swimming trunks, the women would come flocking and hopefully Jimmy would benefit from the overflow, so to speak. Unfortunately as they were about to set off something cropped up and Jack found he had some business to take care of first. He said to Jimmy, "You go on ahead and I'll meet you there. But in the meantime we need to do something to give you an advantage. That skinny body is what's holding you back. We can't give you muscles but we can make you look a bit more of a stud - get a potato and pop it down your swimming trunks and you'll look a bit more macho."

Jimmy set off and Jack took care of his business, then headed for the beach to find his brother. It didn't take long: though the beach was crowded there was a large circular gap at one point, as if people were trying to keep away from some unpleasant object. Right at the centre sat Jimmy, looking miserable. He got to his feet as Jack approached.

"This is all your fault," he said. "I did what you told me - I got a potato and stuck it down my swimming trunks, but as soon as I came out of the changing rooms people started screaming and running away. You said it would attract the girls but nobody will come within twenty yards of me!"

"I'm not surprised," said Jack. "You were supposed to put the potato down the front of your trunks!"

TinyArtist

A manager at Walmart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes, he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job. The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?" The first man replied, "A thought. It just pops into your head. There's no warning." "That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And, now you sir?" he asked the second man. "Hmm, let me see, a blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of." "Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed." He then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply. "Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house, and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture, the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of." The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light," he said. Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question. Old Bubba replied, "After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is Diarrhea." "What!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response. "Oh sure," said Bubba. "You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could think, blink, or turn on the light, I had already soiled my pants." Bubba is now the new greeter at a Walmart near you!

TinyArtist

A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is composed of 6 floors and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.
There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.
So a woman goes to the shopping centre to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.
The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.
"Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"
The fourth floor sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.
"Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight.
The fifth floor sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.
"Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.
The sixth floor sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 6,875,953,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

TinyArtist

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The policeman approaches the driver's door.

'Is there a problem, officer?'

'You were speeding, sir. Can I see your licence please?'

The driver responds, 'I'd give it to you but I don't have one. I lost it four times for drink driving.'

The policeman is shocked. 'I see. Can I see your vehicle registration documents please?'

'I'm sorry, I can't do that.'

'Why not?'

'I stole this car.'

The officer says, 'Stole it?'

'Yes, and I killed the owner.'

At this point the officer is getting irate. 'You did what?'

'She's in the boot if you want to see.'

The policeman looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for urgent assistance. Within minutes, five police cars, including an armed response team, show up, surrounding the car. The armed response team leader slowly approaches the car, clasping his Glock.

Sir, step out of your vehicle please!'

The man steps out of his vehicle. 'Is there a problem?' he asks in puzzlement.

'You told my colleague that you stole this car and murdered the owner.'

'Murdered the owner?'

'Open the boot of your car please.'

The man opens the boot, revealing only an empty space. Definitely no body.

'Is this your car sir?' the ART leader asks.

"Why, yes,' the man replies and hands over the registration document.

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. 'My colleague claims that you do not have a driving licence.'

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. 'Thank you sir. My colleague reported that you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner. My apologies.'

The man replies, 'I bet you he told you I was speeding, too!'

TinyArtist

Tiger Woods & Stevie Wonder are in a bar...

Tiger turns to Stevie and says, "How's the singing career going?"
Stevie replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"

Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but
I think I've got that right, now."

Stevie: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop
playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I
play, it seems to be all right."

Incredulous, Tiger says, "You play GOLF?"

Stevie: "Yes, I've been playing for years."

Tiger: "But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"

Stevie: "Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway
and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball
towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves
to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball
towards his voice."

"But, how do you putt" asks Tiger.

"Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole
and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball
towards his voice."

Tiger: "What's your handicap?"

Stevie: "Well, actually -- I'm a scratch golfer."

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."

Stevie: "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for
money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. Is that a
problem?"

Woods thinks about it and says, "I can afford that; OK, I'm game for
that.. $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?"

Stevie: "Pick a night."

TinyArtist

One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.


Little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."


When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."


Little Lucy went next. "My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched."


Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story.


Lucy replied, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch."


Next up was little Johnny. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."


The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story.


"Well," Johnny replied, "Don't mess with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking."

TinyArtist

A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring.
The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.
At the first house a woman complains, "I've been a little sick to my stomach."
The older doctor says, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"
As they left, the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman? How'd you come to the diagnosis so quickly?"
"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what probably was making her sick."
The younger doctor said, "Pretty clever. If you don't mind, I think I'll try that at the next house."

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She said that she just didn't have the energy she once did and said, "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."
"You've probably been doing too much for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."
As the left, the elder doctor said, "I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is most certainly correct, she's very active in the church, but how did you arrive at it?"
"I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and, when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the priest under the bed."

TinyArtist

I was at a loose end for a couple of hours the other day so I went for a quick nine holes at my local golf course.  This old chap came up and asked if he could join me, as we were both singletons and it's always better to measure yourself against someone else.  I wondered if he might end up slowing me down, but I agreed.  To my pleasant surprise he turned out to be an asset.  He wasn't quick, but he played steadily and kept pace with me up and down the fairways.  But more than that, he offered really useful advice at every hole.  He'd been playing the course for years and seemed to know every wrinkle.



Eventually we reached the ninth and I hit a snag.  My tee shot went wide and fetched up at the edge of the course.  There was a huge pine tree directly between me and the green, and it was only a few yards away.  I scratched my head for a bit.  The old boy came up and said "That happened to me once, about thirty years back.  I just hit the ball straight over the tree and it was fine."  "Really?"  "Really."  Well, I was doubtful, but he had the experience ... so I lined up, swung the iron, and gave the ball a hefty whack.  It went straight up in the air, hit the tree about two-thirds of the way up, and fell back four feet behind me.  "Of course," says the old boy, "thirty years ago that tree was only three feet high ..."

TinyArtist

Dear," asked the wife. "What would you do if I died?"

"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," answered the husband. "Why do you ask such a horrid question?"

"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife.

"No, of course not, love," replied the husband.

"Do you like being married?" asked the wife.

"Of course I do, lamb." he said.

"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

"All right," said the husband on taking a different tact trying to end the conversation, "I'd remarry, then."

"You would?" responded the wife, looking quite pained.

"Yes," replied the trapped husband.

"Would you sleep with her in OUR bed?" asked the wife after a very long pause.

"Well, yes, I suppose I would." replied her tiring mate.

"I see," said the wife quite sternly and indignantly. "And would you let her wear my old clothes?"

"I suppose, if she wanted to," stammered her mate, adding, "it would be a compliment to your exquisite taste."

"Really," replied the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?"

"I don't know. But wouldn't that be the correct thing to do?," he replied.

"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too."

"Of course not, dear. That would be impossible. She's left-handed."

TinyArtist

A man went into an antiques shop to buy a table. Almost at once, he saw the table he wanted, and asked for the price.
"£2,000, sir"
"Never!" exclaimed the man, "that's unbelievably expensive."
"That's true," replied the assistant, "but this is not just any table. This piece of furniture has special powers."
"Go on, prove it," said the man.
The assistant went up to the table and said, "How many floors are there in this building?"
Immediately, the table jumped into the air four times, and indeed there were four floors in the building.
The man wasn't completely convinced. "OK, ask it how much money I've got in my wallet."
The question was asked and the table jumped up eleven times.
"That's incredible," said the man, "It's true, I've got two £5 notes and a £1 coin. I must have that table."
So the man paid the £2,000 and the antique table was delivered the next day.

While it was being installed, his mate popped over and remarked on the new piece of furniture.
"It's very special," said the man. "Here, I'll show you."

He thought for a moment and then said, "How much money has my wife got in her bank account?"
The table went completely berserk. It started jumping up and down and was still going 10 minutes later.
Flabbergasted he said, "But how can that be? Where did she get all that money?"

The table stopped moving, its legs slid apart and its drawers fell to the floor.

TinyArtist

What do you call fake pasta? Impasta (groan)

celiamerula

(One of my favourites)  A group of fonts walk into a pub (bar).  "Get out," say the barman.  "We don't serve your type in here!"

TinyArtist

How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together

Caro1970

Have you heard the joke about yoga. Nevermind its a bit of a stretch.

Caro1970

Q: What time is it when the clock strikes 13?
A: Time to get a new clock.

Caro1970

Q:what does a cloud wear under his raincoat ?
A:Thunderwear.

Caro1970

Yo momma is so ugly she made my happy meal cry

Caro1970

Beer Bottle: You break me, you get one year of bad luck!
Mirror: You kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get seven years of bad luck!
Condom: Hahaha... (Condom walks off laughing)

Caro1970

A man asks a farmer near the field, "Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:30 PM train." The farmer says, "Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you'll even catch the 4 PM one."