Game - Tell me a joke

TinyArtist

Jock & Jimmy were walking along a street in London.

Jock looked in one of the shop windows and saw a sign that caught his eye.

The sign read, “Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, trousers £2.50 per pair”.

Jock said to his pal, “Look at the prices! We could buy a whole lot of these and when we get back to Scotland we could make a fortune.

Now when we go in you stay quiet, okay? Let me do all the talking cause if they hear our accents, they might think we are cheap Scotsmen and try to screw us. I’ll put on my best London accent”.

“OK Jock, I’ll keep me mouth shut” said Jimmy

They go in and Jock said in a posh voice, “Hello my good man. I’ll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each. I’ll back up me truck ready to load them on, old chap!

The owner of the shop said quietly, “You’re from Scotland, aren’t you?”

“Well yes,” said a surprised Jock. “What gave it away?”

The owner replied, “This is a dry-cleaners……..” !

TinyArtist

A terribly overweight blonde woman goes to her doctor about her weight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

“I want you to eat vegetables and grains for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for

2 weeks and the next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.”

When the blonde returned, the doctor was shocked to find she had lost nearly 20 pounds.

“Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor said, “Did you follow my instructions?”

The blonde nodded and said, “I have to tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead after the third day.”

“From hunger, you mean?”

“No, from skipping.”

TinyArtist

I was at a loose end for a couple of hours the other day so I went for a quick nine holes at my local golf course.  This old chap came up and asked if he could join me, as we were both singletons and it's always better to measure yourself against someone else.  I wondered if he might end up slowing me down, but I agreed.  To my pleasant surprise he turned out to be an asset.  He wasn't quick, but he played steadily and kept pace with me up and down the fairways.  But more than that, he offered really useful advice at every hole.  He'd been playing the course for years and seemed to know every wrinkle.



Eventually we reached the ninth and I hit a snag.  My tee shot went wide and fetched up at the edge of the course.  There was a huge pine tree directly between me and the green, and it was only a few yards away.  I scratched my head for a bit.  The old boy came up and said "That happened to me once, about thirty years back.  I just hit the ball straight over the tree and it was fine."  "Really?"  "Really."  Well, I was doubtful, but he had the experience ... so I lined up, swung the iron, and gave the ball a hefty whack.  It went straight up in the air, hit the tree about two-thirds of the way up, and fell back four feet behind me.  "Of course," says the old boy, "thirty years ago that tree was only three feet high ..."

TinyArtist

Jock finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial problems. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. "God, please help me. Ah've lost ma wee store and if Ah dinna get some money, Ah'm going to lose my hoose too. Please let me win the lottery!" Lottery night! Someone else wins... Jock prays again. "God, please let me win the lottery! Ah've lost my wee store, ma hoose and Ah'm going to lose ma car as weel!" Lottery night again! Still no luck... Jock prays again.
"Ah've lost ma business, ma hoose and ma car. Ma bairns
are starving. Ah dinna often ask Ye for help and Ah have
always been a good servant to Ye. PLEASE just let me win
the lottery this one time so Ah can get back on ma feet!"
Suddenly there is a blinding flash as the heavens open and
the voice of God Himself thunders:
"Jock at least meet Me half way and buy a ticket!"

TinyArtist

An old man is sitting on a park bench crying his eyes out.

A young jogger comes by and asks him what is the matter.

The old man says, "I'm a multimillionaire, I have a great big house,

the fastest car in the world and I just married a beautiful blonde bombshell who satisfies me every night in bed whether I like it or not (sob)."

The young jogger says, "Man, you have everything I have ever dreamed for in my life.

What could be so wrong in your life that you are sitting here in the park crying?"

The old man says, "I can't remember where I live."

TinyArtist

It was Sunday afternoon, but Tom was sitting in front of the TV. His wife asked, "Tom, don't you usually play golf with George on a Sunday?"



Tom looks at her and said, "I've played my last round of golf with that man."



His wife asked, "Why, whatever's the matter?"



Tom said, "Would you play golf with a man who consistently marks down the wrong score, moves his ball for a better lie when nobody is looking, and 'accidentally' makes a noise when you're trying to putt?"



"No, of course not," said his wife.



"Well," said Tom, "neither will George."

TinyArtist

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said 'WHERE AM I?' in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said 'YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.'

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how the 'YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER' sign helped determine their position.

The pilot responded 'I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because they gave me a technically correct, but completely useless answer.'

TinyArtist

A teenager was planning to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he went to rent a tux, but there was a long tux line at the shop and it took forever.

Next, he had to get some flowers, so he headed over to the florist and there was a huge flower line there. He waited forever but eventually got the flowers.

Then he headed out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there was a large limo line at the rental office, but he was patient and got the job done.

Finally, the day of the prom comes.

The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time.

When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and

........ there’s no punchline.

TinyArtist

A husband and wife who worked for the circus went to an adoption agency.

Social workers there raised doubts about their suitability.

The couple produced photos of their 50-foot motor home, which was clean, well maintained and equipped with a beautiful bedroom for the child.

The social workers raised concerns about the education a child would receive while in the couple's care.

"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin and computer skills."

The social workers expressed concern about a child being raised in a circus environment.

"Our nanny is a certified expert in paediatric care, welfare, and diet. In addition, there are 17 other children who travel with their circus parents."

The social workers were finally satisfied. They asked, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"

"It doesn't really matter, as long as the kid fits into the cannon."

TinyArtist

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm.
The interviewer looks over his papers and says,
"This is phenomenal.
You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled.
Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought.
However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers.
I'm sorry.... we can't hire you."

"But wait," the man says.
"If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"

"Really? Great! Show me!"

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavoured condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin.
He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

"Well," said the interviewer,
"that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanising all over the country!"

"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

"Oh, that," he sighed.
"Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"