Game - Tell me a joke

TinyArtist

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says: "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says: "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says:

"It's a knick-knack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

TinyArtist

Dear," asked the wife. "What would you do if I died?"

"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," answered the husband. "Why do you ask such a horrid question?"

"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife.

"No, of course not, love," replied the husband.

"Do you like being married?" asked the wife.

"Of course I do, lamb." he said.

"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

"All right," said the husband on taking a different tact trying to end the conversation, "I'd remarry, then."

"You would?" responded the wife, looking quite pained.

"Yes," replied the trapped husband.

"Would you sleep with her in OUR bed?" asked the wife after a very long pause.

"Well, yes, I suppose I would." replied her tiring mate.

"I see," said the wife quite sternly and indignantly. "And would you let her wear my old clothes?"

"I suppose, if she wanted to," stammered her mate, adding, "it would be a compliment to your exquisite taste."

"Really," replied the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?"

"I don't know. But wouldn't that be the correct thing to do?," he replied.

"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too."

"Of course not, dear. That would be impossible. She's left-handed."

TinyArtist

Last Summer, a group of HELLS ANGELS, South Carolina bikers were riding east on 378 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?" She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked . . . "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe . . . why don't you give ol' George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . . and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had!
That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts.
You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

TinyArtist

There is a massive flood and a religious man is on the roof of his house.

A man rows past and says 'Get in'

'No' says the man on the roof,'God will grant me a miracle'

The water continues to rise and is up to the man's knees.

Another boat comes along but he refuses to get into it saying 'I am a man of faith and God will grant me a miracle'

By this time the water is up to the man's waist then a third boat comes along and he still refuses to get in and still insists God will grant him a miracle.

The flood water is now up to his neck when a helicopter arrives and drops down a rope ladder.

He refuses to climb it as he still believes God will grant him a miracle.

The water covers him and he drowns.



On arrival at the pearly gates he starts shouting at St Peter.

'I am a man of deep faith and trusted in God but you let me drown,all my beliefs are now gone!

St Peter replied 'We sent three boats and a helicopter..what more did you want?'

TinyArtist

Auld Jock had been a religious man all his life. When rushed into hospital his family called a preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Jock's condition appeared to worsen and he motioned frantically for something to write on. He was lovingly handed a pen and paper and Jock used his last gasp of energy to scribble a note which he handed to the preacher and then he died.

The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at the time and placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing his eulogy he realised that he was wearing the same jacket as he had at the hospital.

He said "You know, Auld Jock handed me a wee note just before he died. I haven't read it yet, but knowing Auld Jock I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all"

He opened the note and read out loud "Hi minister. Yer staundin oan ma oxygen"

TinyArtist

A ventriloquist was advised by his doctor to take a break so he found a little farmhouse that did bed & breakfast and booked in for a week. On his first day the farmer and his son were showing him round the farm and he decided to have a little fun with the simple country folk. So when they went into the cowshed the ventriloquist spoke to one of the cows.

"Hello, Daisy!" he said. "How do you like living on the farm?" And he threw his voice and made the cow reply, "Well, it's fine most of the time. I just wish the farmer would warm his hands before he starts milking me!"

The farmer and his son were utterly astonished by this and as they left the cowshed the ventriloquist could hear them whispering. Next they went into the henhouse, and the ventriloquist did it again. He asked one of the hens, "How do you like living on the farm?" and made it reply, "I'm not happy at all - how would you like it if somebody kept coming and taking your children away?" More whispering between the farmer and his son.

Now they were walking towards the field where the sheep were kept. The farmer's son was looking nervous and when they reached the gate he suddenly turned round and said, "If that lamb says anything, it's a bloody liar!"

TinyArtist

Tiger Woods & Stevie Wonder are in a bar...

Tiger turns to Stevie and says, "How's the singing career going?"
Stevie replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"

Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but
I think I've got that right, now."

Stevie: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop
playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I
play, it seems to be all right."

Incredulous, Tiger says, "You play GOLF?"

Stevie: "Yes, I've been playing for years."

Tiger: "But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"

Stevie: "Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway
and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball
towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves
to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball
towards his voice."

"But, how do you putt" asks Tiger.

"Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole
and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball
towards his voice."

Tiger: "What's your handicap?"

Stevie: "Well, actually -- I'm a scratch golfer."

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."

Stevie: "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for
money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. Is that a
problem?"

Woods thinks about it and says, "I can afford that; OK, I'm game for
that.. $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?"

Stevie: "Pick a night."

TinyArtist

A man is walking slowly along the beach when he notices an unusual glass bottle just at the waterside.

He picks it up and opens it.

To his amazement a genie appears.

"I have been in that bottle for a thousand years and as you have released me I will grant you your greatest wish" says he.

"Well" says the man. " I would really really like to go and see my sister in America but I am terrified of boats and aeroplanes,could you build me a motorway?"

" I certainly could" says the genie "but have you thought of the disruption and adverse environmental impact that all of that concrete and steel would have on the ocean. Is there anything else you wish?"

"I am having problems with my marriage.Is there anything you can do to help me understand my wife?"said the man.

"Do you want a four or six lane motorway?" says the genie.

TinyArtist

A drunk man who smelled like booze sat down on a bench next to a priest.The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked,'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'
The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.'
The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned,'then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. 'I'm very sorry.
I didn't mean to come on so strong.How long have you had arthritis?
The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father.I was just reading here that the Pope does.

TinyArtist

A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is composed of 6 floors and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.
There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.
So a woman goes to the shopping centre to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.
The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.
"Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"
The fourth floor sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.
"Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight.
The fifth floor sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.
"Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.
The sixth floor sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 6,875,953,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.