Game - Tell me a joke

TinyArtist

A man was leaving the hospital and when shaking the doctor's hand in gratitude said" I would not insult you by offering you money but I would like you to know that I have mentioned you in my will.

The doctor replied " That prescription I just gave you. Could I have it back so I can make a slight adjustment?"

TinyArtist

The plane has just taken off and the captain is welcoming the passengers aboard, giving them the usual flight information, when suddenly he shouts, "OH, MY GOD!" and the plane shudders violently. After a few seconds he comes back on and says, "Ladies and gentlemen, I must apologise for that. The stewardess accidentally dropped my cup of coffee into my lap and I was startled. You should see the mess on the front of my trousers!"

And one of the passengers shouts, "You should see the mess on the back of mine!"

TinyArtist

A young ventriloquist was touring Sweden and, one night, he was doing a show in a small fishing town.

With his dummy on his knee, he started going through some of his standard dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stood on her chair and started shouting:
"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes.
What makes you think you can stereotype Swedish blonde women that way?
What does the colour of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?
It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people.
It's people like you who make others think that all blondes are dumb!
You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general; pathetically, all in the name of humour!"

The stunned ventriloquist started to apologize, but the blonde interrupted and screamed:

"You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little jerk sitting on your lap."

TinyArtist

A man wanted Valentine's Day to be special, so he bought a bottle of absinthe and stopped by the florist's to order a bouquet of his wife's favorite flower: white anemones. Unfortunately, the florist was sold out of flowers and had only a few stems of feathery ferns. The man asked the florist to make a bouquet out of the ferns and the flask of liquor. He added a card and proceeded home. After a romantic candlelight dinner, he presented his wife with the gift. She opened the card to read, "Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder." With a tear in her eye, she whispered to him lovingly, "Yes, and with fronds like these, who needs anemones."

TinyArtist

A manager at Walmart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes, he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job. The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?" The first man replied, "A thought. It just pops into your head. There's no warning." "That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And, now you sir?" he asked the second man. "Hmm, let me see, a blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of." "Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed." He then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply. "Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house, and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture, the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of." The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light," he said. Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question. Old Bubba replied, "After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is Diarrhea." "What!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response. "Oh sure," said Bubba. "You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could think, blink, or turn on the light, I had already soiled my pants." Bubba is now the new greeter at a Walmart near you!

TinyArtist

Its the middle of winter and a  Primary School teacher was helping one of her pupils put on his boots at the end of the day. He asked for help and she could see why.

Even with her pulling, and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on.

By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.

He then announced, "These aren't my boots".

She bit her tongue, and resisted the temptation to say, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to.

Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.

No sooner had they got the boots off when he said, "They're my brother's boots. But my mum made me wear 'em today".

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots BACK onto his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?"

He said "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots".

TinyArtist

A man went into an antiques shop to buy a table. Almost at once, he saw the table he wanted, and asked for the price.
"£2,000, sir"
"Never!" exclaimed the man, "that's unbelievably expensive."
"That's true," replied the assistant, "but this is not just any table. This piece of furniture has special powers."
"Go on, prove it," said the man.
The assistant went up to the table and said, "How many floors are there in this building?"
Immediately, the table jumped into the air four times, and indeed there were four floors in the building.
The man wasn't completely convinced. "OK, ask it how much money I've got in my wallet."
The question was asked and the table jumped up eleven times.
"That's incredible," said the man, "It's true, I've got two £5 notes and a £1 coin. I must have that table."
So the man paid the £2,000 and the antique table was delivered the next day.

While it was being installed, his mate popped over and remarked on the new piece of furniture.
"It's very special," said the man. "Here, I'll show you."

He thought for a moment and then said, "How much money has my wife got in her bank account?"
The table went completely berserk. It started jumping up and down and was still going 10 minutes later.
Flabbergasted he said, "But how can that be? Where did she get all that money?"

The table stopped moving, its legs slid apart and its drawers fell to the floor.

TinyArtist

A group of four year old were trying very hard to become accustomed to school. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!
"You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them.

"John what did you do over the weekend?"
"I went to visit my Nana."
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!"

She then asked Mitchell what he had done.
"I took a ride on a choo-choo."
"No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words," she said.

She then asked little Alex what he had done.
"I read a book," he replied.
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"
Alex thought very hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the S***."

TinyArtist

A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring.
The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.
At the first house a woman complains, "I've been a little sick to my stomach."
The older doctor says, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"
As they left, the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman? How'd you come to the diagnosis so quickly?"
"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what probably was making her sick."
The younger doctor said, "Pretty clever. If you don't mind, I think I'll try that at the next house."

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She said that she just didn't have the energy she once did and said, "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."
"You've probably been doing too much for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."
As the left, the elder doctor said, "I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is most certainly correct, she's very active in the church, but how did you arrive at it?"
"I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and, when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the priest under the bed."

TinyArtist

A young curate went to the parish priest and said, "Father, I have a bit of a problem. My bicycle has been stolen and I don't know what to do about it. I don't want to get the police involved because I'm new here and I don't want to turn the people against me by getting one of them into trouble. If I knew who had taken it I would have a quiet word and persuade him to return it, but there at least half a dozen in the congregation who I feel might have taken it as a joke and I don't want to accuse the wrong person."

The priest said, "On Sunday, make your sermon about the Ten Commandments. When you get to 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' look around the congregation and see who has a guilty look on his face. Then after the sermon you can have your quiet word."

That Sunday afternoon the priest saw the curate riding his bike through the village. He flagged him down and said, "I see you have your bicycle back! I take it my advice had the desired effect! Did you have any trouble persuading the culprit to return it?"

The curate said, "Actually there was no need for that. I was giving my sermon about the Ten Commandments, but when I got to 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I'd left the bike!"