Game - Tell me a joke

TinyArtist

Thanks for all your messages! First of all, I'm fine - or I will be soon. I had nasty accident today but I'm ok. I went horse riding and let's just say it didn't end up quite as planned. I got on the horse ok and started out slowly but he started to speed up and we were going faster than I was comfortable with until we were going as fast as the horse could go! Have to admit I was terrified!! Then the worst thing ever happened - I fell off and caught my foot in the stirrup and the horse was dragging me around in a circle. It wouldn't stop, it just kept going around and around. Thank God the store manager at Tesco's came out and unplugged the carousel.

TinyArtist

One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.


Little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."


When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."


Little Lucy went next. "My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched."


Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story.


Lucy replied, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch."


Next up was little Johnny. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."


The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story.


"Well," Johnny replied, "Don't mess with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking."

TinyArtist

The air hostess on a flight from New York to Chicago notices a man is sitting biting his finger nails and sweating profusely.

Concerned for him she stops by his seat and says, "Sir, can I get you something from the bar to calm you down?"

The man gives a nod of approval while shaking terribly.

She comes back with a drink and he downs it quickly.

Ten minutes later, the flight attendant sees the same man, ashen, shaking and biting his nails. She brings him another drink which he swallows immediately.

A half hour later she returns to see that the man is shaking uncontrollably, and apparently crying.

"My goodness," the flight attendant says, "I've never seen someone so afraid to fly".

"I'm not afraid of flying," says the man sobbing loudly, "I'm trying to give up drinking".

TinyArtist

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The policeman approaches the driver's door.

'Is there a problem, officer?'

'You were speeding, sir. Can I see your licence please?'

The driver responds, 'I'd give it to you but I don't have one. I lost it four times for drink driving.'

The policeman is shocked. 'I see. Can I see your vehicle registration documents please?'

'I'm sorry, I can't do that.'

'Why not?'

'I stole this car.'

The officer says, 'Stole it?'

'Yes, and I killed the owner.'

At this point the officer is getting irate. 'You did what?'

'She's in the boot if you want to see.'

The policeman looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for urgent assistance. Within minutes, five police cars, including an armed response team, show up, surrounding the car. The armed response team leader slowly approaches the car, clasping his Glock.

Sir, step out of your vehicle please!'

The man steps out of his vehicle. 'Is there a problem?' he asks in puzzlement.

'You told my colleague that you stole this car and murdered the owner.'

'Murdered the owner?'

'Open the boot of your car please.'

The man opens the boot, revealing only an empty space. Definitely no body.

'Is this your car sir?' the ART leader asks.

"Why, yes,' the man replies and hands over the registration document.

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. 'My colleague claims that you do not have a driving licence.'

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. 'Thank you sir. My colleague reported that you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner. My apologies.'

The man replies, 'I bet you he told you I was speeding, too!'

TinyArtist

A hillbilly family took a vacation to New York City. One day, the father took his son into a large building. They were amazed by everything they saw, especially the elevator at one end of the lobby. The boy asked, "What's that, Pa?"

The father responded, "Son, I ain't never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is!"

While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old lady walked up up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady walked between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened again, and a voluptuous twenty-four-year old woman stepped out.

The father turned to his son and said, "Boy, go get your ma!"

TinyArtist

A blind man enters a bar and finds his way to a barstool.

After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?” The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice,the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I’m a 6′ tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What’s more, the fella sitting next to me is blonde and he’s a weightlifter. The woman to your right is a blonde, and she’s a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that blonde joke?”

The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

TinyArtist

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland.

He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves.

Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the elderly Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the barkeep to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

TinyArtist

Sean and Patrick were best friends from childhood

During one particular night of revelry, the two agreed that when one passed on, the other would take and spill the contents of a bottle of fine, Irish whiskey over the grave of the fondly missed and recently dead friend.

And as fate would have it, Sean would be the first to pass. Pat, hearing of his friend's illness, came to visit his dear friend one last time. "Sean," said Pat, "can you hear me?"

Faintly, Sean replied, "Aye, Paddy, I can." Bashfully, Pat started, "Do you remember our pact, Sean?"

"Yes, I do Paddy," Shawn strained. "And, you'll also remember that I was to pour the contents of a fine, old bottle of whiskey over your grave, which we have been saving for, going on 30 years now?" said Pat.

"Aye Paddy, that I do," whispered Sean.

"It's a very "old" bottle now, you know," urged Pat. "And what are you gettin' at Pat?" asked Sean, briskly.

"Well Sean, when I pour the whiskey over your grave, would you be minding if I were to filter it through me kidneys first?

TinyArtist

A Lesson in American English...

*Cheese* The teacher told Fred to use the word cheese in a sentence. Fred replies: Mary likes me, but cheese ugly.
*Mushroom* When all my family get in the car, there's not mushroom.
*Shoulder* My fren' wanted 2 become a citizen but she didn't know how to read so I, shoulder.
*Texas * My fren' always Texas me when I'm not home wondering where I'm at!
*Herpes* Me and my fren' ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes.
*July* Ju told me ju were going to tha store and July to me! Julyer!
*Rectum* I had 2 cars but my wife rectum!
*Chicken* I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.
*Wheelchair* We only have one hamburger left, but don't worry wheelchair
*Chicken* *wing* My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.
*Harassment* My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her honey, harassment nothing to me.
*Bishop* My wife fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop.
*Body wash* I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.
*Budweiser* That women over there has a nice body, Budweiser face so ugly?

TinyArtist

A guy said to God, "God, is it true that to you a billion years is like a second?"
God said yes.
The guy said, "God, is it true that to you a billion dollars is like a penny?"
God said yes.
The guy said, "God, can I have a penny?"
God said, "Sure, just a second."